Monday, September 22, 2014

Suicidal Without Depression

   Robin Williams had depression and recently died of suicide.  Freddie James Prinze, Sr. (June 22, 1954 – January 29, 1977), Family Feud host Raymond Neil "Ray" Combs, Jr. (April 3, 1956 – June 2, 1996) and Improv/Stand up Richard Jeni (April 14, 1957– March 10, 2007) are a few who have gone the same route before Robin Williams.  They all left a question.  Who makes a comedian laugh when he needs it?  

   Vicky is a Filipina with a hyperactive sense of humor.  She has the wit of a stand up comedian and like one, actually finds satisfaction in making people laugh.  Very few have been privileged to see the dark side she hides behind the bubbly personality.  She has been suicidal from childhood.  She did not even have depression.  How did that happen?

   Vicky’s mother was sickly and her father worked abroad so she was raised by her grandparents.  When her mother got better her grandparents moved to the province leaving her in the care of her mother and a nanny.  For some reason she failed to bond with her mother like she did with her sweet grandfather.  She could not emulate her mother like she did her grandmother who was the strong matriarch of the family.  When her siblings were born, one of them became her mother’s favorite.  

   Vicky felt like she was living with strangers.  At the age of 8 she ingested Mercurochrome, a skin wound medicine popular in the 50’s that grownups told her was poisonous.  She did not die.  She was dragged to a priest to do a Catholic confession.  No one asked her why.  No one tried to look into the mind of a suicidal 8 year old.  

Vicky never again tried to kill herself.  However, she grew up always courting danger.  She dated normal boys but picked a shady character to marry. She bought a car, frequently disco danced all night with 10 orders of Stolichnaya and tonic then drove an hour home.  Sometimes she parked in the middle of the highway with the lights off waiting for a Saulog bus to hit her.  None ever came by till she got tired of waiting and drove on.  A cousin told her about a job in Saipan.  She jumped at the opportunity knowing nothing about the island where she almost got in harm’s way with the natives.  Her father bought her back from that fiasco.

   She went through a divorce.  She lost her children to immigration.  Eventually  she  lost her grandparents and her mother in death.  Through it all she was cheerful and funny, without a tear.  To this day the sense of humor that hid the solitude within remains her cover.  Solitude is not depression.  Depression is a psychological condition.  Solitude is just a lingering disconnection.
   "Even in laughter the heart may feel pain, and rejoicing may end in grief." (Proverbs 14:13)

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